To start off, I would like to share a quote I really like.

“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world.” ~Robert L. Stevenson

Being happy and positive is very contagious. Always remember to be in the now and appreciate what you have in life. There is no need to to drag on the negative energy as it is a domino effect.

I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine recently that had a profound impact on me.  She had just come home from a two week trip to Israel, where she stayed on the same kibbutz she’d visited many times throughout her life.  When I asked her how her trip was, she said, “Mike, it’s a magical place where I truly feel like I can be myself.”

“Why is that?” I asked.  She said, “The people there don’t care what I do, about the big clients I work with, or so many of the other things we care so much about here.  My only currency when I’m there is who I am.”

As she and I talked further and then got off the phone, it really hit me how much of my time and energy I spend and waste trying to accumulate “currency” in the form of money, accomplishments, appearances, status, connections, and other external things – all in an attempt to have people like and respect me, gain access to the things I think are important, and to somehow erroneously think that by doing all of this, someday I’ll “make it,” (whatever the heck that means anyway).  Can you relate?

What if we lived more of our lives focused on who we are, and not so much on what we do, what we’ve accomplished, what we look like, who we know, what we’re striving for, and more?   What if, as my friend realized in Israel, the most important thing in life is actually who we are?

Who would we be without our accomplishments (or failures), our degrees (or lack thereof), our bank accounts, our experiences, our titles, our homes, our statuses, and more?  As simple of a concept as this is for us to think about and discuss, at least on the surface, it’s actually quite difficult for most of us, myself included, to genuinely separate who we are from what we do (or have done or not done) on a regular basis in our lives.

The deeper question for us to ponder here is really one of the big philosophical questions of life, “What makes me a valuable person?”  While this is something we have all thought about to some degree, most of us don’t really engage in this question in an authentic way or on a regular basis.  And, when we do, we often think that if we just got more done, lost some weight, made more money, took a vacation, accomplished a goal, had more meaningful work, made it to retirement, or whatever, then we’d be “happier” or feel more “valuable.”  Sadly, as we’ve all experienced, this is not usually the case.

What if we could expand our capacity for appreciating ourselves in a genuine way, and have it have nothing to do with anything external?  What if just being ourselves, the way we are right now was good enough?  Think of the freedom and peace we could experience in our lives (and have at times) by just being who we are – not trying to be what we think we’re supposed to be, in order to get the things we think we’re supposed to want.

Being ourselves fully, takes courage, commitment, and faith.  It’s a process of letting go of many false beliefs we’ve been taught and trained to reinforce (that we have to look good, be smart, know the right people, say the right things, have the proper experience, etc. in order to be happy and successful in life).  Being ourselves can be scary and counter intuitive, difficult and even off putting, and, at times, lonely.

However, being our authentic self is liberating, exciting, and fulfilling.   When we have the courage just being who we are, without apology or pretence, so much of our suffering, stress, and worry in life simply goes away.

Here are a few things to consider and practice as you deepen your awareness of and capacity for being who you truly are:

1)  Tell the truth to yourself. Think about and own how much of your self-worth is based on what you do, how you look, who you know, what you’ve accomplished, etc. (i.e. the external stuff)?  The more we let go of being defined by the external, the more freedom, peace, and power we can experience.

2)  Appreciate who you are. What do you appreciate about yourself that has nothing to do with anything external?  In other words, what personal qualities (of being, not doing) do you value about yourself?  The more we’re able to tap into what we appreciate about who we are (not what we do), the more capacity we have for real confidence, peace, and self love.

3)  Practice just being you. As silly as it may sound, we all need to “practice” being ourselves.  We have a great deal of experience being phony or being how we think we’re supposed to be, it actually takes conscious practice for us to be able to just show up and be who we are.  We can practice alone, with people we know, and with total strangers.  This is all about awareness – paying attention to how we feel, what we’re thinking, what we say, and how we show up.  It’s not about getting it right or doing anything specific, it’s about letting go of our erroneous notions of how we think we’re supposed to be, and just allowing ourselves to be who and how we are in the moment.

Have fun with this, talk to others about it, and have a lot of compassion with yourself as you practice – this is big stuff for most of us.  And, when we remember that it truly is who we are, not what we do, that gives us real value in life – we are liberated and empowered to be ourselves, which is what we all want anyway.

How do you feel about being disappointed?  How about disappointing others?  Recently, I’ve been quite disappointed by some important people in my life and, in turn, they’ve been disappointed (and annoyed) with me.  As I’ve been noticing my strong reaction to these situations, I realize how much of my life is focused on doing everything I can not to disappoint others, while at the same time protecting myself against being disappointed.  Can you relate to this?

When we focus a lot of our attention on trying not to disappoint others or worrying that people will disappoint us, we set ourselves up for failure and pain.  And, as I’ve seen recently, this makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to speak our truth, be ourselves, and live with a real sense of authenticity and peace.

What if we embraced disappointment instead of avoiding it?  It’s inevitable that we will disappoint people, especially when we live our lives in an authentic way.  Speaking up, going for the things that are important to us, and being true to ourselves are all things that at times won’t align with others and in some cases may even upset them.  It is possible for us, however, to be mindful and aware of others, and still be true to ourselves – these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Asking for what we want, counting on others, and trusting people – all of which are essential for healthy, fulfilling, and real relationships – do make us vulnerable to being disappointed and even hurt by the people in our lives.  So what!  We end up getting more hurt and disappointed in the long run by withholding our desires and expectations.  We might as well live out loud and be honest about how we feel, what we want, and what’s important to us.

As Dr. Suess so brilliantly said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Disappointment, as uncomfortable and even painful as it can be for me and many of us, is essential and important on our journey of growth, self discovery, and authenticity.  Being okay with disappointing others allows us the freedom to be ourselves in a more real way.  It also takes away the pressure and stress we often feel about always having to do, say, or be a certain way. Letting go of our fear of being disappointed by other people gives us the ability to take more risks and ask for what we truly want.

When we’re able to embrace disappointment, we create a sense of liberation and space that frees us up to be who we truly are and let go of our attachment and obsession with other people’s opinions.  This is not easy, but is so powerful and can be transformational.

Here are a few things you can consider and do to expand your ability to embrace disappointment:

1)  Take inventory of your life and relationships. Take an honest look at some of the most important relationships and activities in your life.  How many of your actions, thoughts, conversations, and more (or lack thereof) have to do with your avoidance of disappointing others or being disappointed?

2)  Be honest and take responsibility. As you notice areas, situations, and people in your life where a fear of disappointment is present, see if you can tell the truth about it in a vulnerable way to the people involved.  You may say to a friend, “I really want to ask you for this favor, but I’m a little scared to do so because I’m worried you will say ‘no’ and then I’ll be disappointed,” (or something to that effect).  Take responsibility for how you feel and remember that your issue with disappointment is all about you, not them.

3)  Practice saying “no.” This is a great practice, especially for those of us “people pleasers” who find ourselves saying “yes” to stuff we don’t really want to do.  While there is a great amount of value in being someone who is willing to say “yes” in life, there is also a great deal of power in owning our “no” as well.  See if you can practice saying “no” to people, even if it’s scary or uncomfortable.  Be real and vulnerable about it – with yourself and others.  And, see if you can expand your capacity to decline requests of things you don’t want to do and make peace with yourself about it.

As you delve into this, be kind with yourself.  This is a big one for me and so many people I know and work with.  We all want to be loved, valued, and appreciated in our lives.  And, most of us have had painful experiences of disappointment in the past, which have impacted us in a deep way.  However, if we can alter our relationship to disappointment – we can transform our lives and our relationships in a wonderful way!

Do you like to know things?  Would you consider yourself a “know it all,” controlling, or anal in any way?  All of these things, among many others, apply to me and many people around me.

Why are we so obsessed with knowing everything?  While there’s nothing wrong with knowledge, learning, and understanding – our insatiable desire to know and control stuff often gets in our way of trying new things, going for it, and being at peace in life.

I heard a great saying recently that made me laugh, “People who think they know everything are really annoying to those of us who actually do.”  Sadly, many of us, myself included, relate to life and others this way.

This obsession with knowing often has much more to do with our egos and our fear of being judged or embarrassed, than it does with a sincere desire for knowledge and information.  We want to control the uncontrollable; life.

What if we didn’t have to know everything all the time?  What if we could let go, trust, and be at peace with not knowing?  Being able to embrace not knowing is one of the most important, yet challenging aspects of life and growth.  Being okay with not knowing allows us to be creative, open, and willing to live in a state of wonder and possibility, like children do.  My two girls teach me a lot about the importance of not knowing all the time.

Here are a few things we can do to enhance our ability to not know in a positive and beneficial way:

1)  Let Go/Surrender – Take your hands off the wheel and trust that that you don’t have to do and know everything in order to succeed and be happy. When we let go, peace and freedom can show up authentically.  This can be much easier said than done for most of us.  And, it’s a practice which is all about trust and not being attached.

2)  Admit When You Don’t Know – Stop pretending that you know stuff you don’t know…it is stressful, annoying, and anxiety-producing.  We aren’t supposed to know everything and none of us do.  The easier it is for us to admit we don’t know something, the more likely we are to either learn it, let it go, ask for help, or be at peace about it.  This is all about having a deep sense of self acceptance and self appreciation.

3)  Seek Out Things You Don’t Know – Look for things , find stuff, and take things on that you don’t understand, , know about, or think you can’t do. Doing this builds our confidence, challenges us to expand ourselves, and gives us practice at hanging out in the unknown and uncertainty of life – which is where most real growth, change, and transformation can take place.

Remember to be kind to yourself, laugh often, and not take yourself too seriously.  Most of us spend and waste lots of time and energy pretending we know things that we really don’t.  When we surrender to and embrace not knowing, a profound level of freedom and liberation become possible.

How do you feel about not knowing?  How can embracing not knowing enhance your life, your work, and your relationships?

These three words, “yes we can,” became the mantra for Barack Obama’s successful presidential campaign. Whether you voted for, support, or agree with President Obama or not, these three words are powerful and important for each of us in our lives, especially in the face of the challenges that many of us are facing these days.

When we believe in ourselves in an authentic way, we know that we can do whatever it is we desire and that no matter what our current circumstance may be, we always have the power within us to overcome, accomplish, or manifest anything. As Henry Ford famously stated, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.”

Being optimistic is and always will be a personal choice. And, it’s not always the easiest choice to make. Some of us are more predisposed to be negative, while others of us are more predisposed to be positive – based on a variety of factors (personality, beliefs, family background, environment, focus, and much more). However, all of us can practice and enhance our ability to be optimistic in our daily lives. It’s both a choice and a skill.

Being hopeful and positive doesn’t mean we avoid the challenges of our lives or pretend that there aren’t problems around us, it’s that we choose to focus on the good stuff, find what’s working, and trust that things will work out. This does take a certain amount of faith and it challenges us to let go of our need to control, explain, and understand everything at all times.

Here are a few simple things you can do to enhance your own ability to be optimistic in life:

1) Tell the truth – Admit to yourself and to others your own fear, worry, and negativity. While we don’t want to complain or dwell on things in a detrimental way, so often we deny or avoid our true negativity or pessimism, which keeps it stuck. When we admit it and own it, we have a chance to move through it and to let it go consciously.

2) Practice looking for the good stuff – This is an art and a skill that we can practice all the time. It can be challenging to find the good stuff in the midst of adversity, but that is the most important time to do it and the most valuable way to practice being optimistic. The more you do it the easier it gets. This is all about us giving up our desire, need, and right to be a victim in life!

3) Surround yourself with authentically optimistic people – Choose to be around people who are genuinely positive and hopeful. This doesn’t mean that they’re happy all the time or always super upbeat (although they often will be, most likely). Seek out people who choose to appreciate life and to focus on what’s working. Doing this will not only be more fun and empowering for you, but it will also support you in your desire to be more optimistic in your own life.

Optimism is essential to our happiness, fulfillment, and our ability to overcome and persevere in life. It takes courage, boldness, and trust – things that as we all know are important, but not always easy in life. As you look at your own work, relationships, and life in general, where can you say “Yes I can?” and allow that statement to empower you in an optimistic way? The more we say “yes” to ourselves and to life, the more life and others say “yes” back to us.

I say to you, me, and everyone around us – YES WE CAN!

With the new year just getting started, many of us are focused on our goals, intentions, and resolutions for 2009. While this is a wonderful and exciting aspect of every new year, one of the most important things we can focus on this year is appreciating ourselves – first!

If you’re anything like me and most of the people I know and work with, you probably have a tendency to be hard on yourself, or at least to think you have to achieve your goals or do something “good” in order to pat yourself on the back and appreciate yourself. What if we started with self appreciation, instead of waiting until we think we deserved it or had time to do it?

When we take a deeper look at most of our goals or intentions, for 2009 or in general, what we’re really after is a sense of satisfaction, fulfillment, and, most importantly, self appreciation. We think that if we achieve our goals, we’ll be happy and feel good about ourselves. However, as you may have noticed throughout your life – not only is this not true, it creates a great deal of stress for us in the process.

While I am a big advocate of creating healthy, empowering, and bold goals this new year and in our lives as we grow and evolve, what we have to remember is that without appreciating ourselves our goals are meaningless. And, when we do take the time to appreciate ourselves – regardless of what’s happening on the outside – three incredible things happen. First of all, we put ourselves in the best possible position for the fulfillment of our goals. Second, we give ourselves first what we’re going after ultimately – a positive sense of who we are and what’s valuable about us, right now. And third, we make ourselves available in a genuine way to be there for others and appreciate the people around us.

Here are a few suggestions for ways you can take care of yourself and appreciate who you are as we move into this new year.

Suggestions:
1) Create a regular self appreciation practice. Write in a journal, talk to a friend, meditate/pray, or do anything else that speaks to you with a specific focus on what you appreciate about yourself. Do this as often as possible – make it habit.

2) Schedule time for yourself. Regardless of how busy you are, how many people depend on you, and all the things you think “need” to get done – one of the most important things you can do to honor and appreciate yourself, is to take time just for you. It doesn’t matter what you do – read, take a bath, go for a walk, sit, participate in an activity you love, or anything else (as long as it is enjoyable to you and makes you feel good). The most important thing is for you to take time for just you.

3) Ask for support. One of the best ways we can honor and appreciate ourselves is to reach out and ask other people for support. For many of us, this can be scary and difficult. However, when we do it we allow others to be of service (which most people love), we remind ourselves that we are worthy of people’s support, and we remember that we are not alone. One of my favorite sayings is, “the answer is always ‘no’ if we don’t ask.”

I wish you the very best as you step into this new year. What a wonderful opportunity we each have to create 2009 to be a fun, growth-filled, exciting, and rewarding new year. If we put appreciating ourselves at the top of our list of intentions, we’ll set ourselves up for true success and real fulfillment.

When: Friday, June 27th, 2008

Time: 6:30pm

Location: PSF JKD Academy  1555 Parkmoor Avenue San Jose, CA 95128

$40 registration at the door to MAKE a difference.

Sifu Paul Vunak & Sifu Harinder will be there. Seminar open to all styles and levels. 100% proceeds will be donated to non profit Recreation USA.

They have trained Navy Seals, FBI, DEA, CIA, DOD. Now they want to teach YOU how to win a fight on your feet, on your back, with edged and blunt weapons, and against multiple attackers.

For more information you can email at info@scientificfighting.com or call 408.857.9205